


Dirge

by shehasabadfeelingaboutthis



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben Solo - Freeform, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Han Solo - Freeform, Han x Leia, I'm so sorry, Kyle Ren, Leia organa - Freeform, Luke Skywalker - Freeform, Multi, Pain, Rey (mentioned) - Freeform, Star Wars - Freeform, TFA spoilers, The Force Awakens, finn (mentioned) - Freeform, more pain, star wars tfa - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 10:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5662870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shehasabadfeelingaboutthis/pseuds/shehasabadfeelingaboutthis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say, right before your death the most significant and meaningful moments of your life flashes before your eyes. </p><p>If so, Leia Organa Solo was dead.</p><p> </p><p>In memoriam the scruffy-looking nerf-herder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirge

**Author's Note:**

> Special huge thanks to @wheresoulsreside for "beta" this, for the moral support, and for always being there for me!  
> Also thanks to Stef for the pre-reading and for the enthusiasm!  
> You girls are the best.
> 
> Still, because english is not my first language, if any grammatical mistakes has remained, please let me know about it!

 

 

They say, right before your death the most significant and meaningful moments of your life flash before your eyes.

 

If so, Leia Organa Solo was dead.

The feeling of it hit her a parsec before it happened, and though she refused to use the force in any form many years ago, she felt its icy-burning stab right in her heart. It was the very same stab, she knew it. She let herself faint into the embrace of the Force, letting in what it has to show her.

 

***

 

_Hazel eyes, defiant expression on his face. The most sarcastic tone of voice she ever heard calling her ‘your highness’. He seemed to be bored, he seemed unconcerned._

_*_

_The Falcon popping on the Alliance’s radar out of nowhere, and there he was, back and real, his sassy voice creaking through the commlink. As a highborn and deeply respected diplomat, she just couldn’t care less when she jumped into his arms._

_*_

_Waltzing on the victory ball on Yavin IV, not being sure if it’s his medal or his smile that’s shine reflects in her eyes._

_*_

_Spending dreamless nights in the Falcon’s cabin, listening his restless footsteps imposing the corridor, as he was trying to forget about Jabba and his past, convincing himself he should stay a little while longer, because what if something will happen finally?_

_*_

_Snowflakes slowly melting in his hair which was way too long now, as she pointed out one time, but of course it just lead to another argument. If she had looked over, she would have seen the Rouge Squad handing money to each other every time they started to fight, but she was too busy trying to clear that goddamn charming side-looped smile off his face._

_*_

_His rough hands on hers, his warm breath on her face, his whispered words fading in the half-light surrounding them. ‘You like me because I’m a scoundrel…’_

_*_

_Spending dreamless nights in the Falcon’s cabin, resting her head on his chest, her tears being wiped away by his thumb. ‘Bad dreams fade away, I promise, sweetheart’_

_*_

_His rough hands cupped her face, which almost disappears between his big palms. She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath. She leaned her forehead to his, feeling his sweaty hair under her fingers. ‘Who are you to do this to me’ he panted softly, then kissed her again, devotedly, with amazement._

_*_

_It was surreal, the pure clouds, the striking sunset, the fear, the cell’s musty air, fear again, orange and blue lights flashing through the steam, it’s not happening, it’s not…_

_*_

_I love you. I know._

_*_

_Spending slowly crawling months in the underworld of the galaxy, trying to reach him, and every failure broke her a bit. Chasing his traces through hundreds of systems, planning the rescue, ignoring the alliance leaders’ disapproving glances. She had to get him back._

_*_

_He was still blind a bit. He said his vision is blurry. ‘I can see your brown eyes though’ he claimed, as he touched her face._

_‘How are you, Leia?’ – he asked, touching the bruises on her neck, caused by Jabba’s slave chains._

_‘I’m fine…’_

_‘No but_ **how** _are you really?’_

_*_

_He held her. He held her for long hours, all through the dark night. She didn’t talk, she didn’t know how to put into words that she is the daughter of a monster. She felt dirty, guilty, ashamed. She hid herself into his arms._

*

_His reaction was far better than they expected. The reflection of the ewok victory campfire danced in his eyes, as after a second of silence he finally grinned._

_“Wow and I thought I’m the one with serious daddy issues”_

_She punched his arm._

_“Ouch! Hey, princess I didn’t deserve that one. Anyway, how is that possible? I mean, technically he’s a robot.”_

_Luke shook his head, smiling, his mouth forming the words ‘I just can’t believe you’_

_*_

_They never made wows. They never talked about love: how could they? People don’t talk about what they don’t quite understand._

_*_

_The ceremony was quiet, only Luke was there and Chewie and a few friends. The afterparty was huge though: the Rouge Squad and some of Han’s old friends took care of that. They sneaked out at dawn, walked up to Coruscant High Garden hand in hand. Their heads were dizzy of alcohol and love, as they laid down in the grass, between the alderaanian flowers, watching as the capital’s never sleeping lights flashing on the sky._

_*_

_She fell asleep on the first senate debate after coming home from their honeymoon; there were multiple reasons not to sleep in the past few weeks. Mon Monthma didn’t say a word, just smiled at her sympathetically. She couldn’t wait to get home to their apartment, where he waited for her with a nice shower._

_*_

_‘I just want a child, your child so badly, Leia…’ – his words are hurting her, but she must resist, he has to understand, she can’t risk that, Vader’s bloodline must be killed, even if that means sacrificing their happiness._

*

_His hand felt warm on her growing belly. His face looked so concentrated, he held his breath back._

_Their unborn child continuously kicked the spot where his father’s palm touched her mother’s belly._

_She looked at him, catching his gaze._

_‘Please tell me we are not making a mistake’ she sighed_

_‘Sweetheart, if someone is as loved as this little one here…he’ll be all right’ - he answered, placing a gentle kiss on her stomach._

_*_

_‘We’re NOT naming our son Chewbacca!’_

_‘Easy, sweetheart, that was a joke. But we won’t call him Krynstion either.’_

_‘Why? That’s a traditional alderaanian name, it means hope and light and…’_

_‘And it’s damn ugly. He’s going to be an Organa-Solo, the most badass little guy in the galaxy.’_

_‘What about Ben?’_

_‘Ben?’_

_‘Yeah, after Obi wan Kenobi, one of the last jedi masters, war hero. That’s badass enough for you, isn’t it?’_

_He just smiled and leaned down to kiss her._

_*_

_He had way too much hair for a baby._

_‘We should have named him Chewbacca anyway’ – Han mumbled, touching the baby’s thick dark curls._

_She laughed exhaustedly, reaching out for Han’s other hand._

_‘Benjamin Bail Solo is good enough though’ – she said._

_‘It’s perfect. He’s perfect. So are you’ – he answered, his voice full of pride._

_*_

_Han was a good father. When he was home._

_She had to spend so much time away, trying to organize the New Republic, and she understood he felt neglected and unnecessary, but she thought he could have asked admiral Ackbar to assign him to a mission that is closer. She always hated to watch him leave, and their son needed and deserved at least one parent next to him._

_*_

_“The force is strong in our family” – Luke told him, and he stared at him with wide eyes as only five years old could._

_“You have that power, too” – he said, and the tone of his voice didn’t sound like a naive boy from Tatooine anymore. Ben nodded, he knew it. The force was frighteningly strong with him._

_*_

_She watched him growing anxiously. He was silent, closed off, far too clever for his age. She could see his father in his grimaces, herself in his big brown eyes, but she could see someone else too. A shadow, hiding in the force which surrounded him._

_*_

_They fought a lot about it, about everything. Their bed was cold on those nights when he slept on his new ship, which he just called ‘that thing’, after he spent months to get the Falcon back. But it disappeared, and the old Han, **her** Han went with it. She didn't want to send Ben away but she wasn’t sure if there was a choice. _

_*_

_She won. She won, but she hated it. She cried in Han's arms all the night before the farewell._ _Ben did something he hadn’t done in the last 6 years: he kissed both of them goodbye._

_‘May the force be with you, my boy’ - she whispered to him tearfully._

_Han pulled her close as they watched him leave._

_*_

_She felt it when it happened. It was terrible, like getting pieces of her flesh ripped out._

_Han kept asking what was going on, but she couldn’t speak, just pushed him away, she locked the bathroom and tried to breathe while weeping. She heard the commlink alarming, and Han answering the call._

_“Luke? What’s going on?”_

_*_

_She refused to eat, to speak. He left after two weeks. For the first time ever, he brought his gun and his jacket with him too. She felt a blunt pain about it, but it was like another water drop to the ocean._

_She lost everybody. Again._

_*_

_Weeks passed and neither of them came back. Luke didn’t answer, he was gone too. Just gone._

_*_

_She moved out of their apartment, it felt haunted and unbearable with the absence of her boys._

_She buried herself into work, creating the Resistance against the new separatist community, the First Order, against Snoke, against Ren. Secretly she hoped that this alliance would bring her family back. It didn’t._

_*_

_He sent a note, offering her to meet. First she didn’t answer, then she decided to go, but soon she realized she can't do this. She can’t face him, seeing her own brown eyes reflect in his hazel ones, like their son’s would. She never showed up._

_*_

_‘Ma’am, a report arrived on the BB unit’s whereabouts’  - Poe Dameron reported and he hesitated for a second before he continued – ‘It’s with Han Solo on the Millenium Falcon’_

_It was like a huge storm suddenly hit the ocean, all of her feeling suddenly hitting her, but she was a general, she couldn’t let them in, let them see. Not even Poe._

_‘Well, things just got interesting, didn't they?’_

_*_

_It felt like old times, the feverish preparations, leaning against the module with the hologram of the Starkiller, young and enthusiastic pilots running around the X wings, Han in his jacket and with his brash manners, the naïve desperation in that Finn boy’s eyes which she connected with Luke once upon a time, it was all so familiar, she almost felt complete. Almost._

_“Bring him home…”_

_*_

_The force, which she silenced in her a long time ago had now awakened, and she could sense everything again. She felt her son, his anger towards that girl, Finn’s friend, she who shined like a sun. The force was with her, completely, like it belonged to her and only to her. She just started to realize that, and for a second, a new hope was born in Leia: maybe she will be the one who fix what has been broken for a very long time…_

_***_

Reality hit her hard as Han Solo’s vital signals disappeared from the monitor. Silence fell on the control room, all eyes were on her. She didn’t move or say anything. She just stared at the monitor.

Lieutenant Connix was the one who broke the silence.

‘Ma’am…’

‘I know’ – she interrupted, thinking about how those words get whole new meanings for her again and again – ‘I know’


End file.
